It's not your fault. Your voice needs to be heard.
It's not your fault. Your voice needs to be heard.
One of the reasons why a lot of people struggle with anxiety when dating is because they are not used to being heard. This stems from their parents. Many parents do not understand how to recognize their children’s love languages because they do not care what they are.
Often by our parents, they are taught, “What someone chooses to give or supply you with is what you are to accept.” It is a parental wound. It must be healed and transmuted into new energy.
It is not your fault if your parents did not comprehend how to recognize your voice as part of knowing what to consider in being in relation with you. BUT it is your job to cut the “cord” from the wounding that it may have caused you that you now carry into your romantic relationships. You are a complete and WHOLE BEING with needs that you need to speak up for.
This is normal and inherent.
There is a reason why babies in the womb speak up for what they want. they are separate beings growing in every relationship.
In every relationship, whether familial, platonic, or romantic, we must speak up for our needs and see if we are heard and who can support those love languages. If not, we must then unplug and give ourselves that validation until it is are respected and recognized.
There are people who grew up having anxiety communicating with their parents because their parents did not respect them as a being, they only saw them as a “child”. Therefore, they grow up and their inner child has no sense of being respected or heard, especially as an individual being.
Ultimately it is taken into romantic relationships and their voice to communicate easily what they need, are looking for, etc. is not used and then suppressed. These characteristics present in a way to a term that is loosely called ‘relationship anxiety’. Whether it came from your parental relationship or a previous relationship where the partner suddenly jolted from the connection unexpectedly, it all displays in the same manner.
“The most common expression of relationship anxiety relates to underlying questions of ‘Do I matter?’ or ‘Are you there for me?'”. This is quite normal. This speaks to a fundamental need to connect, belong, and feel secure in a partnership. It goes back to the inner voice you had in your mother’s womb.
For example, with relationship anxiety, one might worry that:
their partner wouldn’t miss them much if they weren’t around
they might not offer help or support if anything serious came up
they just want to be with you because of what you can do for them
The attachment style and essentially the love language you develop in childhood can have a big impact on your relationships as an adult.
If your parent or caregiver responded quickly to your needs and offered love and support, you probably developed a secure attachment style.
If they didn’t meet your needs consistently or let you develop independently, your attachment style might be less secure.
Insecure attachment styles can contribute to relationship anxiety in various ways:
Avoidant attachment could lead to anxiety about the level of commitment you are making or deepening intimacy.
Anxious attachment, on the other hand, can sometimes result in fears about your partner leaving you unexpectedly.
Using your voice creates the space for possible anxiety. Knowing your needs, your love languages, and what supports you as an individual is key to developing healthy relationship dynamics. Engage with someone who can support you in honesty and unconditional care. Having a therapist or a soundboard is also very helpful. Bringing it to surface is what is most important but in a supportive manner and without judgement.
They can help you both:
understand your own and each other’s feelings and underlying needs
hear each other’s experiences without judgment or defensiveness
show you care in ways that will soften, calm, or even eliminate the anxiety
Opening up and being vulnerable can strengthen the bond and connection that you already have.
Studies have shown, a single session with a relationship therapist can surprisingly turn everything around. Sitting down together once or twice can resolve problems with communication in the future.
A 2017 study conducted by the Department of Psychology at University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill was administered to a sample of 21 couples and were found to decrease levels of reassurance-seeking and self-silencing significantly among individuals with relationship anxiety, and to decrease levels of maladaptive accommodation behaviors significantly in their partners.
#ijustam tip:
Using “I” statements can be a big help during these conversations.
For example, instead of saying “You’re being so distant lately and I can’t take it,” you could rephrase it as, “I feel like there’s been some distance between us, and it makes me feel like you’re withdrawing because your feelings have changed.”
Ultimately, the fact remains that there are direct correlations between your heart and throat chakra that must be honored to find out the relationships that reflect your truth. Not to mention, for women, stress and trauma are stored in the womb and can have an altered effect on your fertility, creativity, and much more.
Speaking up is not being demanding. You do not DEMAND anything. You speak, then you see if you are heard. Assess if it is coming from codependency or unhealed communicative patterns, then see who hears you, who reciprocates; who extends it back to you. You do not beg anyone for anything. Your voice is necessary. Your voice is to be respected.
It goes both ways in a relationship. In the child-parent relationship and then into romance or other platonic and familial relationships. It is a cycle. But the cycle can be ended. Do not carry on the old tradition of “Children are to be seen and not heard” mentality. They grow up to be adults who realize their voice doesn’t matter. It does.
Speak your truth. Even if your voice quivers. Even if it causes conflict. Even if it pisses people off. You had a destiny before they had a place in the journey to it. Put destiny first. Honor thy voice within.
If you need help with this, feel free to reach out for a free consultation in order to best find your directed solution.
